I have 21 years of personal experience with autism and marriage and a lifetime of experience with autism and close family relationships. I have been consulting and coaching neurotypical, non-autistic neurodivergent, and autistic individuals managing neurodiverse marriage and divorce since 2017.
I offer relationship services, divorce services, autistic parent coaching, and court expert witness services. I support my clients in whatever decisions they make -- staying married, getting divorced, or finding other suitable arrangements. I help them prevent expensive high-conflict neurodiverse divorces whenever possible, saving them a LOT of money in attorney fees along the way. And, whenever I can, I help autistic parents maintain positive relationships with children during and after divorce.
I have a master's in psychology from Harvard University where I conducted some of the first quantitative research on neurodiverse marriage in the world, receiving the Director's Thesis Award for my work. I am a trained and ICF-aligned coach and will make YOUR sessions about YOU.
I am neurotypical.
Get the benefits of my education and life experience for less than the cost of one restaurant meal for two!
Neurodiverse relationships can be very confusing. Comprehending YOURSELF and the ways autism affects YOU can make all the difference. Take this first step towards
making life changes that will bring YOU the
Connection and Ease that YOU deserve.
Found her insights spot on. I gifted this course to 2 others before I even finished it. Refreshing thoughts. Focus is on you, the NT of the relationship with great ways to look at things from both sides. Been married to Autism for 45 years and found this course something I will review on a regular basis to support myself.
This is a MUST for anyone who has a partner with autism. No matter where you are in your relationship, even if your relationship has ended, this is for YOU! Anne’s knowledge, compassion, guidance is unparalleled and unprecedented. Thank you Anne.
“The moral of the adage should be the opposite. In actuality, it takes two to get along.”
What happens when you're not safe to walk away from a fight?
"It takes two to tango" is an old adage often interpreted to mean that fights only happen because both people are participating.
Its moral is: if you’re part of a fight, it’s your fault, too. You wouldn’t be in the fight if you weren’t choosing to be in it. And, if you want to stop a fight that you’re part of, stop your half of the fight and the fight will end.
And, that’s true if you have the power to walk away from a fight. An adult can choose to leave any fight that it’s safe to leave. And by leaving you win…..
But what happens when you’re not safe to walk away from a fight? What if you can’t get away from the other person? What if there are other people, possibly small children, depending on you to stay in the fight?
If you can’t walk away, is healthy to always allow yourself to lose just to keep the peace? Is it better to start fighting back?
The moral of the adage should be the opposite. In actuality, it takes two to get along. It takes two to work together. It takes two to be a team. It takes two to collaborate.
Neurodiverse relationships are rife with fighting and low on teamwork and collaboration. Teamwork and collaboration are easier when both people have theory of mind skills. When each partner can somewhat accurately perceive the other persons’ perspective and intentions, they can more easily find ways to work together for the mutual benefit of both.
When only one of the two people in a relationship has theory of mind skills, that person, the neurotypical partner, is working to be aware of the other partner’s, the ASD partner’s, intentions and perceptions. Yet at the same time, the partner with ASD isn’t keeping in mind the neurotypical partners’ intentions and perceptions. The result is that both partners are thinking about the ASD partners’ intentions and needs and only the neurotypical partner is thinking about the neurotypical partner’s needs.
Things can get out of balance after a while, favoring the partner with ASD’s needs. And people with ASD do, at no fault of their own, have a lot of needs.
In marriage, ASD partners’ needs do not negate the needs of neurotypical partners who, over time, become worn due to the lack of reciprocity in communication, caregiving and connected sexuality and affection.
A marriage is different than a parent-child relationship, a therapist-client relationship, or a teacher-student relationship. Ideally, it is a relationship of equality in which both partners are working together or caring for each other. But in mixed-neurological marriages, due to the difference in theory of mind skills between the partners, this kind of reciprocity and teamwork doesn’t happen.
It does take two to tango. Watch the dance. It is a neurotypical dance with both partners responding to the other. It is about connection, eye contact, sexuality, and working together for the benefit of both. The tango is a dance of social communication and autism affects social communication. The tango can’t happen in neurodiverse marriages because only one partner’s brain knows how to do the dance.
It takes two to tango.
It takes two to work together.
It only takes one to perpetuate a fight and it’s not always possible for the other spouse to walk away
I was working on a master's in psychology at Harvard University when I realized my husband of almost 20 years was autistic. I was shocked by how little was known about an issue that affected my own life so dramatically. So, I shifted my research interests to autism and marriage and was ultimately given the Director's Thesis Award for my work.
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