Passiveness, Assertiveness, and Aggression in Neurodiverse Relationship Dynamics™

In many neurodiverse relationships, conflict doesn’t move in a straight line. It drifts, compresses, disappears, and then reappears—often in ways that feel sudden, confusing, or disproportionate.

What’s often missed is that these shifts are not random. They follow a recognizable pattern shaped by how different nervous systems protect themselves under relational strain.

Within Neurodiverse Relationship Dynamics™ (NRD™), passiveness, assertiveness, and aggression are not personality traits. They are adaptive responses—ways a nervous system attempts to maintain safety, connection, or coherence when signals are repeatedly misread or unmet.

Passiveness as Protection

Passiveness in neurodiverse relationships is rarely indifference. More often, it begins as adaptation.

When a person learns—consciously or not—that their needs, perceptions, or timing consistently disrupt the relationship, they may begin to soften, delay, or withhold themselves. This can look like compliance, silence, over-agreement, or emotional flattening.

For some, passiveness is a form of care:
If I don’t push, things stay calmer.
If I don’t ask, I won’t overwhelm.
If I adjust, we can stay connected.

In neurodiverse systems, passiveness is frequently reinforced. Misattunement may decrease in the short term when one person yields. Conflict pauses. Tension drops. The system stabilizes—temporarily.

But the cost is often internal. Needs go unmet. Identity narrows. The person adapting may slowly lose access to their own preferences, boundaries, or emotional truth.

The Uneven Terrain of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is commonly framed as the solution to passiveness. But in neurodiverse relationships, assertiveness does not land evenly across nervous systems.

What feels clear, reasonable, or overdue to one person may feel abrupt, intense, or destabilizing to another. Differences in sensory processing, emotional pacing, and threat detection shape how assertive communication is received.

This creates a painful bind.

The person who has been passive may finally speak—only to be met with confusion, defensiveness, or overwhelm. The person on the receiving end may feel blindsided, criticized, or emotionally flooded, even when the content itself is fair.

When assertiveness repeatedly fails to repair or connect, it can feel unsafe to try again. Some people retreat back into passiveness. Others escalate—not because they want to dominate, but because nothing else has worked.

When Aggression Emerges

Aggression in neurodiverse relationships is often misunderstood as intent. Within NRD™, it is more accurately understood as overflow.

Aggression tends to emerge after long periods of restraint, accommodation, or unacknowledged labor. It may take the form of sharp language, emotional outbursts, rigid demands, or sudden withdrawal with force behind it.

Importantly, aggression here is not the absence of care. It is often the final signal of a system that has exceeded its capacity to adapt quietly.

These moments are frequently labeled as “out of nowhere.” In reality, they are the culmination of accumulated misattunement—what NRD™ describes as trauma spikes. The nervous system discharges what it can no longer hold.

This does not mean aggression is harmless or acceptable. Harm is still harm. But understanding why aggression appears is essential if the goal is clarity rather than collapse into blame.

The Cycle, Not the Character

One of the most damaging misinterpretations in neurodiverse relationships is treating these behaviors as fixed traits:

• They’re just passive.

• They’re too aggressive.

• They refuse to be assertive.

NRD™ invites a different question:
What is the system teaching each nervous system to do in order to survive?

Passiveness, assertiveness, and aggression are not separate problems. They are points along a trajectory shaped by neurological mismatch, relational timing, and repeated signal failure.

Without intervention, systems tend to polarize. One person becomes quieter. The other becomes more reactive. Or roles reverse over time. The relationship organizes itself around protection rather than mutuality.

Why Naming This Matters

When these patterns remain unnamed, people often internalize shame. They believe they are failing at relationships, communication, or emotional regulation.

Naming the pattern does not fix it. But it changes the ground.

It allows individuals to recognize:

• when passiveness is costing too much

• when assertiveness is not being translated

• when aggression is signaling a boundary long overdue

Within Neurodiverse Relationship Dynamics™, understanding this trajectory is not about choosing the “right” behavior. It is about recognizing how the system has been shaping behavior all along.

And for many, that recognition is the first moment of real relief.